She was the one I woke up with everyday. I fell asleep so quickly because I would see
her in my dreams. I always woke before
her so that I could see her sleeping…
watch her chest rise and fall.
Her nostrils widen with her inhaling breath. In dreaming her head would turn and in mine I would see
hers turn.
Love is just a dream.
That dream I saw her dream.
Because while she slept I felt as if part of me was with her. Once she told me she dreamed of flying to
Greenland and landing on an iceberg.
That morning she came into the kitchen wearing only her white satin
robe. The belt undone. She must have put it on for the feeling of
clothes on her shoulders, because she was naked and so unashamed to be with me
that she never thought to simply tie the belt.
She whispered the dream to me sleepily over the cup of
coffee I poured for her. The
iceberg. Flying to the very top. Icebergs are a symbolic representation in
dreams. A subconscious representation of
our subconscious. Icebergs are so strong
yet they float.
That morning I had felt cold and lighted headed when I woke
up. I knew I was with her. That we were so close that I joined her in
dreams. When she left the room part of
me would go with her. When she danced
part of me felt alive.
You must understand Jake, the sheer immutability of the
human heart. We are like oaks, covering
up the past like growth rings. The
storms, and loves, and heartbreaks in our lives are still there, right below
the surface, almost as if you could cut us open to see what we are made of.
Then why did it end?
You could have gone back to her.
She could have gone back to you.
It’s my fault. I met
your grandmother. We had your father
Charles. You have to understand I was
young, not much older than you, when I met her.
It was such a crazy fucked up time when I met Grace, and she was
wonderful to me. She wanted the same
things as I wanted. We had the same
dreams. The same language. We had Johnson and Nixon.
But now that I am older and my wife has died, my brothers
and my friends are gone, all I know is that this one thing remains, this one
painful thing that I did not take seriously when I was younger, turned out to
be everything that I am.
As old as I am there are still things I don’t know. I don’t know what happens when you die, but I know that in me, she is still alive. She is the only part of me that is still alive.
